July
July 3: Alaska Governor Sarah Palin announced she would resign at the end of the month, after having weathered a barrage of “criticisms” and “obligations.”
July 5: One person died in a monorail collision at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida, prompting the Disney company to change the park’s moniker from “The Happiest Place on Earth” to “A Place on Earth.”
July 7: Al Franken was sworn in as Senator, giving the Democratic Party a filibuster-proof majority. Unfortunately, all the Democratic Party accomplished with their Senate majority was to take all the good donuts from the Senate break room on Donut Fridays.
July 14: The “America’s Affordable Health Choices Act of 2009” was introduced, although it would later be renamed “America’s Affordable Health Choices Act of 2073” to reflect the amount of time it would take Congress to pass it.
July 15: The Catholic Church praised the film Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, which was surprising to many, considering that the Church originally accused the Harry Potter book series of promoting witchcraft. Even more surprising, was that the Church gave the film G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra only two stars.
July 16: The tallest building in the United States, the Sears Tower, was renamed the Willis Tower by a London-based insurance company, because “What you talkin’ about Sears?” wasn’t as funny.
July 17: Walter Cronkite, who isn’t Michael Jackson, died at the age of 92.
July 30: President Obama hosted a Beer Summit at the White House, in response to the controversy surrounding the arrest of Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates. The Beer Summit was proved to be a success, as Obama finally brokered a peace treaty between the warring nations of Budweiser and Coors.
August
August 4: Former U.S. President Bill Clinton arrived in Pyongyang, North Korea to bring two American journalists – Laura Ling and Euna Lee – back to the United States, and more specifically, back to Bill Clinton’s house.
August 25: Senator Ted Kennedy, who isn’t Michael Jackson, died at the age of 77.
August 28: The children’s show Reading Rainbow ended its 26 year-run, proving to children that reading books cannot save a beloved children’s television show, that their puppy will someday die, and that when parents get divorced, it is always the fault of the child.
August 31: Disney acquired Marvel Entertainment in a deal worth $4 billion. To add insult, Disney also announced their plans to purchase the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus from Time Warner Inc.
September
September 9: U.S. Representative Joe Wilson interrupted President Obama’s address to Congress about health care by shouting “You lie!” Then he texted Kanye West, saying “OMG, I totally just did it! You owe me $20 bucks.”
September 13: Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift on live national television at the 2009 MTV Music Video Awards, as she received the award for Best Female Video. Then he texted Rep. Joe Wilson, saying “Lol, I just did it, too! You owe me $20 bucks.”
September 14: Patrick Swayze, who isn’t Michael Jackson, died at the age of 57.
September 15: Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced that the recession had ended. Congratulations everybody, we did it!
September 18: The final episode of Guiding Light aired, after being on the air for 72 years. Then it was taken behind the barn, given a sugar cube, and put out of its misery.
September 27: Roman Polanski was arrested in Zurich on a 31-year old U.S. arrest warrant, for committing sexual assault on a thirteen-year old girl in 1977. Although the Oscar-winning director was grateful, he decided to decline the nomination to go to jail, saying that more talented directors deserved the honor for their work.
October
October 1: David Letterman announced on his show that he had sex with a number of female employees over the years. The next day, Conan O’Brian, fearing his competing late night show would be outpaced in the ratings, announced that he was a transvestite prostitute.
October 2: The International Olympic Committee awarded the 2016 Summer Olympics to Rio de Janeiro after Chicago had a disappointing performance in the swimsuit competition.
October 5: The United States Federal Trade Commission issued specific regulations for writers for blogs, which I believe is fair and just. In fact, I, for one, welcome our new internet overlords.
October 7: Another ring around Saturn was discovered by scientists at the U.S. Space Agency Observatory, leading researchers to believe that Saturn – with its many rings – may secretly be a polygamist.
October 9: President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize, narrowly beating out Marily Streep for her role in the acclaimed film Doubt.
October 10: President Obama announces the end of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” at a fundraising dinner for the Human Rights Campaign in Washington. Some later pointed out that he never told when he would end the policy, as nobody had asked him.
October 15: Some kid was in a weather balloon and then he wasn’t and then his parents tried to have a reality TV show and then the kid was on CNN and admitted he was hiding in the attic and then the parents were investigated for fooling the media and God bless America.
November
November 3: Michael Bloomberg won a third term as New York City Mayor, proving that money CAN buy happiness, friendship, admiration, respect, a third term in office, and a solid gold toilet.
November 3: The voters of Maine passed Proposition 1, rejecting same-sex marriage. No plagues for Maine.
November 9: Germany marked the 20th anniversary of the Berlin Wall with a large cake that had been split into two. One half of the cake was filled with an oppressive socialist state, while the other half was filled with chocolate.
November 13: The United States opened its first marijuana café in Portland, Oregon. For some reason, it opened four hours late.
November 17: Sarah Palin’s memoir, Going Rogue, was released nationwide into the public, although scientists vowed to find a cure.
November 19: Oprah Winfrey announced she will end her talk show in 2011. Her critics immediately accused her of setting a timetable for withdrawal from Chicago.
December
December 1: President Obama announced he would send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan.
December 10: Then President Obama accepted the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. Still not satisfied that he was the most ironic man alive, Obama grew a moustache, moved to Williamsburg, Brooklyn, joined an indie rock band, bought a pair of skinny jeans, and became a hipster.
December 12: Houston elected Annise Parker as mayor, thus making history as the largest U.S. history to elect an openly gay mayor. Parker announced that her goals as mayor were to put a Home Depot on every corner, require all women to wear plaid shirts, and to eliminate offensive stereotypes about gay people.
December 12: Tiger Woods announced he was taking an indefinite break from golf, to spend more time with the ladies.
December 31: A meteor hit the Earth, destroying all life and inhabitants, except for the cockroaches and the Wal-Marts.
Happy New Year’s, everybody!
